I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
