life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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