i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
