Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
