I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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