I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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