ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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