I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
