made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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