Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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