can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
