I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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