just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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