Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
