I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
