Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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