Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
