I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
