I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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