She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
