Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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