When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
