Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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