remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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