Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
