I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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