omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I've blown a few things in my day
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
