I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
