Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
