I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
