I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
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I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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