There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
