No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
