I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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