If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
