Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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