I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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