I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
