Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
