You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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