my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
