how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
