Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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