I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
