I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
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you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now