I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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