Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
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So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!