I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
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TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.