cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
