I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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