Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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