Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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