So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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