I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
