dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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