I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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