I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
