were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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