I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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