Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The Olympian is in my bed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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