I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
