you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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